What Happened???

Around this time of year I get pretty gloomy. Don't know why. Maybe it's the lack of sunshine or something. Or being trapped inside a house all day. IDK. It wasn't too bad til about two years ago. Two years ago I started burning my arms with erasers. It's hard to describe but I was physically able to feel pain when I did that. Especially in the showers every morning when the burns stung the most. Being able to fell physical pain made up for all the emotional pain I was feeling. This pain was tangible whereas the other was not. It only lasted for about two months, then I got some help from the school counselor. I was better then. Then she left my senior year. I made it a whole year without burning. I was preoccupied with scholarships and college and a brighter future. But then I went to college. What was I supposed to do to keep my mind off of things? I burned once. I don't want to burn again. It leaves ugly scars but I sincerely feel like I need to.

Without the burn marks...and with really short hair.

With a bandage for the newest burn... left arm.

I owe a huge thank you to my best friend, Larisa Hayden. She helped me through this hard time quite a bit. I didn't tell her right away what was happening. She knows me so well she figured it out.

Over this summer I lost some pretty good friends. Differences in opinions and different priorities as well as different schools does that. Unfortunately. We kind of still talk but not really. I lost another really good friend. One I have known since I was six. There is not going back on that one. Period.

I sincerely miss these two... Lauren(right) I have accepted that she and I are better off not being friends. We were trying to make a friendship out of oil and water. Cheyenne... I haven't given up on her yet.

What did I do wrong? The common factor has been me... :'-( I don't try and push people away. Sometimes I push myself away from them but I don't want to push them away from ME. I just feel sad all the time now. It's no fun. New pathways I have chosen to take, some of them scary and some of them are my dreams. It just sometimes feels like it's either just me walking alone or it's my fault for someone else's pain. So, I am sorry if I have ever said, done or whatever to anyone. I really did not mean to hurt you...

Tiff and Ty...I especially never meant to hurt you guys. You and your family mean too much to me. And it's killing me that you might be another friend I might lose :'-( I'm sorry!!! Please forgive me!!!